Current mood:	*hmmmm*
Current music:	screaming infidelities - dashboard confessional

first post
my first post...

i never felt the need to have a blog. i know that it's a nice venue for people to write about their thoughts, feelings, realizations or whatever they have in mind. i guess i think that i don't need a place to write my thoughts but i proved myself wrong.

i've spent a well deserved break yesterday evening after my filmman class. (btw, that's the third important thing that i was able to finish this week *clap* *clap* *clap*...) going back, i found myself thinking about different things last night and i continued to do so until one in the morning. here are my thoughts.

*closure. for some unknown reason, McDo became the place for me and two of my friends to talk about love. i can't recall how we got to that topic but after bashing the idea of the stupid and idoitic "monthsary" (read: rational, angst and bitter), i found myself thing about my own love problem. you see, i have this strong feeling for a girl named Joanne. she's my friend ever since 3rd year high school and i have liked her since. i did several things during my hs. years to tell her what i feel. there's the note given to her by a common friend. and there is also a time when i left a rose on her desk with a short love note. but besides that, i can't recall anything else i did to let her know and make her feel what i feel for her. now, i can't help but feel lonely because i can't do anything about my feelings for her. i know i made my feelings known but all i did was write it in paper. telling her about my feelings personally is out of the question, during that time. i was too afraid - afraid of rejection and humiliation. i know i'm a loser. a total loser.

in an unspoken manner, we kinda put the "issue" between us to a close but only in paper, again. now we are moving to different directions but i can't help but look back. i still feel the same for her (and it somehow grew and matured as timne passed) but i don't want to continue living my life this way. i feel that i keeping myself in the past that i can't really look forward. she made it clear that all we can be are friends but i think i need to tell her face-to-face what i feel and hear from her that she doesn't want me, that i'm not the one she's looking for. i know it's suicide and i willing to take the risk.